And so it sits...

I'm stuck.

I just erased about 45 minutes of writing because I annoyed myself with my whining.

I'm stuck.

I want to regroup yet can't seem to dig my way out of the day-to-day mire.

I must affirm differently... fake it 'til I make it, right???

I am free.

I let go of any and all things that weigh me down

I am free.

I affirm lightness of being.

I am free.

I affirm freedom.

And so it continues...

I have been working on this little bits at a time.  I still can't seem to find the motivation but I am finding new areas of focus.  Such as, "180."

180 - the opposite of where I am now.
180 - the weight I am affirming
180 - the amount I would like to win in the lottery so I can pay off all of my student loans.

The infinity symbol represents time - that what comes to me is not within my control but in the timing of the Divine.

And so it continues... little bits at a time.

And so it begins...

As with most decisions to make changes, it seems that everything conspires to prevent be from starting.  Since posting my intention to begin a new affirmation project I've been set back by financial stress, strained relationship issues, exhaustion, disappointment, shock and heartbreak at the world in general.  Yet today I realized something.  I realized that I have grown very weary of bad news.  I can't take anymore.  It brought this project back into focus.  I have to do this.  I have to restart focusing on the positive.  I have to let go - or may it's just let it be - of my finances and trust that the universe wants me to thrive and prosper and meet all of my obligations with ease.  Maybe the universe wants me to stop looking at obligations as a negative but as its own affirmation that I have accomplished a lot in this life and this is the rent I owe for all of my blessings.  I have to trust that the Universe wants all that is good and loving and prosperous for both of my children - that Grace will get her house and Caleb will find his path in their own time, in their own ways.  And so it begins.  It took a lot of courage on my part to put pencil to a large blank piece of paper but there it is...no longer blank.  Longing to be filled with mindfulness and prayerful affirmation.  Space is created and both it and I are open and ready to receive.  Only absolute good.  Only positive abundance.  Open.  Ready.

Affirming...

I guess I'm using this as my to do list for now.  It's time for a new Zentangle affirmation project.  It's time for some self-care.  I have let it go for far too long and I have lost sight of my path I started several years ago.  So here is me whacking through some weeds to uncover that path again.

This is a project I started in 2012 and completed in 2013.  By June 2014, I had realized all of the affirmations represented by the various tangles and quotes (which eventually filled the blank spaces). So here I am again.  It's 2016 and I have been treading water.  Exhaustion, financial stress, weight gain, uncertainty... I have to make some positive changes.  So here we go:

• Obligations - I am able to meet all of my obligations with grace and ease.  I have enough of every resource to make this happen.

This isn't just about bills and having money although that is extremely important to me.  My obligations include being Emma to two precious boys and energy is a resource that has become depleted lately.  I remember when my kids were little and I had very little energy to go outside and play.  I always wanted to be different.  I grew up playing outside but it was solitary, fairly sedentary play.  I was alone a lot.  I want to be that energetic grandma who takes the kids to the park and plays tag.  Likewise  I have obligations as an employee, a wife, a mother, a friend - all of which require energy and a willingness to step outside of myself and engage.  Therefore, I am affirming that I have all of the resources - whether it's energy or money or time or desire - to meet all of my obligations with ease.

• Abundance - I find new sources of abundance around every corner.  I embrace them with excitement and expectation.  I see only opportunity. I am open and ready to receive.

Again, this is not necessarily about money...ok.  yes it is.  I am open to new sources of income.  My money increases exponentially.  Hey...I have those obligations to meet! Alright, it's also about recognizing, receiving, and accepting that I already have an abundance of everything I need at my fingertips - it's about embracing all I have and letting go of that feeling of lack.  I lack nothing I need.  I have everything I want.  My life is rich in ways immeasurable.

This affirmation also involves allowing new adventures blossom abundantly.  I have been contemplating - I have been drawn to - engaging in a private practice for several years.  I enjoy direct service with folks who have experienced trauma in their lives and helping them discover their own path of healing and wholeness.  There have been events of late that have affirmed that it's time to jump in.  My to do list is growing and I have an abundance of time, money, energy, and resources to accomplish this task.  Research has started. I am made abundantly aware of those who have already pursued a similar path successfully and I have access to them.

• Wellness - I am in love with me.  I love my body and I respect every aspect of it.  All is working as it should and how it is designed to function.  I have an abundance of energy at my disposal at all times.  I rest completely and peacefully.  My body is the exact size to support my well-being.

The biggest struggle of my life.  I am a beautiful work in progress and I am letting the scales be ad focusing on just loving all of me the way I am put together.  It's amazing to me how interconnected everything I want to affirm is - how synchronous it is.  Just after I started working on this post yesterday a sweet young friend posted a before/after pic of herself.  The before was from 7 years ago when she was at her heaviest.  The after is a recent picture showing her slimmed down self.  The thing is what she said was how she viewed both pics as beautiful for they both represented the beginning of her decision to let go of harsh self-judgment for life-affirming self-acceptance.  She began loving herself.  Over the next 7 years she began to make different, healthier choices and the result is obvious.  The things we learn from friends half our age.  Of course, I know all of this.  I've known and attempted to practice for years.  I had some medication changes a few months ago that resulted in my forgetting that I am the one who has control of my thoughts and feelings.  So today, I make the pledge to let go of the scale and to allow my higher consciousness to make good decisions about my health and well-being.  I am healthy.  I am happy.  I am whole.  I am exactly as I should be - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  I am supported by a Universe that wants me to be my authentic self and I honor the Universe by being nothing less than that.

• Time and Timing - everything comes to me in the exact right time.  I am open and ready to receive.

I am letting go of the belief that I am bound by the constructs of time.  It is easy for me to get to work and appointments on time and it is also easy for me to allow my life to flow in its natural rhythm without self-imposed limitations of time.  I don't need to set deadlines as my body, mind, and soul ebb and flow in ways optimum to my health and healing.

I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be content with all of my resources and afford to live in the comfortable manner I desire.  I deserve to be successful and I embrace that success in ways that allows me to enjoy all aspects of my life as I desire.  My play and my work are in sync.  My activity and my relaxation are well-balanced.

So this is my new project.  I am beginning with a blank page.  It will be finished when it is finished. I will work on one affirmation at a time or all at once depending on what feels right in the moment.  I am living in each moment making choices that best support my highest needs and desires.  I will revisit these points here from time to time and post the progress of the "ZIA" as it unfolds.

New beginnings

Yesterday, I spent an inordinate amount of time attempting to move my blog from my old blogger account to this one.  The old email address is defunct and having to switch back and forth was maddening.  At one point, I gave up and opened a new blog account on a different blog hosting site.  I spent some time trying to learn their design platform and creating a new space to babble on about my typical load of nothing-important stuff.  Then... around midnight I had some sort of inspired understanding of how to take one blog and import it to another, worked on it for an hour and, voila!, here we are - back in business with nothing lost from my old site.  WOW.  Technology.  I felt like I won the internet.  The person who planted the seed is a dear new friend - we've only met once in person but we've become kindred spirits through online means and I love her dearly.  I guess I should mention that we live in the same town and never see each other despite our assertions that we need to get together.

So, today, this friend posts on FB that she's looking for someone to share rent expenses for a business space.  I've been thinking for a long time about going into private practice part time - extra income and I really miss direct service.  I have found out about opportunities too late and have always told myself, "well, it's obviously just not the right time."  So this time... the opportunity is here but I'm always broke and I have NO idea how to get started.  But I have friends who do know.  It seems the Universe is telling me - here is your opportunity.  HERE is the abundance for which you have been searching.

And then THIS was in my newsfeed today:

Well. I have no idea how this is going to work.  The Universe is assuring me it will.  Ready... set... LEAP.

When you lose sight...

I learned some news today.  Nothing Earth-shattering.  Good news for someone I respect and admire, really.  So why did I start crying from such a core of despair?  My first thought was (instead of, cool!  She got a promotion!), "Great, now I'm even further removed from moving up around here!"  That was followed by, "I don't get it.  Other people say, when I call, "Oh, I'm so glad it's you.  You're our favorite!"  Or "I am so grateful to be working with you."  "I can always count on you to think out of the box and find the perfect solution!"  News like what I read today makes me want to shout, "DON'T TELL ME - TELL SOMEONE WHO MATTERS!"  Whoa.  Wait a minute.  Damn it, I matter.  I know what I mean... I mean, please tell my superiors who will miraculously say, "Hey, you know who is a great motivator, mentor, and leader and would be perfect for this job?"

I have lost sight of what I know to be true.  Negative thought breeds negative outcomes.  Allowing the minutia of life to keep you from practicing positive intention - letting stress immobilize you to the point that you stop taking care of your whole self - only perpetuates the negativity. By affirming - by believing even when it's tough to believe - makes the positive intentions not only possible but reality.

Thank you, Louise Hay, for teaching me how to affirm - even if I only half believe it and am repeating the current mantra through tears:

I AM WORTHY OF ACHIEVING MY AMBITIONS AND DREAMS!  I AM OPEN AND READY TO RECEIVE A PROMOTION THAT WILL MEET MY CAREER AND FINANCIAL GOALS AS WELL AS MY NEEDS AND THE NEEDS OF MY FAMILY!

THERE.  It's out there.  C'mon Universe.  Do your stuff.  Because I really am open and ready to receive.  I am worthy of recognition of my talents and skills - not just in "woohoos" but in tangible ways that positively impact my finances. 


So I state again, thank you for all I have achieved and all I have.  I am truly blessed.  I am ready to move forward in positive ways that puts me in a position of leadership and mentorship; that provides for me and family in ways that allows us to live comfortably, meeting all of our obligations with ease and having plenty with which to play and to share with others.

Power Thought Cards by Louise Hay (c) 1999

The kindness of strangers

I have often wondered about how a seemingly chance meeting can have a profound impact on your life.  I have longed stopped believing in coincidences yet I am often surprised when it happens.  Sometimes these chance meetings are only that - just meetings.  Sometimes, however, they turn into a deeper connection that time and distance do not diminish.  

On July 1, 2010, I got a phone call from my sister that our mother had been taken to the hospital from her memory care facility in an unresponsive state.  This had happened on two other occasions and both of those times Hospice was called in to provide palliative care.  But the other two times, our mother revived.  This time it was different.  Mother's major systems were beginning to shut down and her MD predicted that she would not survive more than 24 to 48 hours.  Hpspice was once again called and the decision was made to transfer our mom to my sister's home.  I left work early, drove home and updated my family, packed a few things, and drove the 5 hours to my sister's home hoping I would make it in time to say goodbye.

I arrived at my sister's home shortly after the ambulance had transported our mom.  The hospice nurse was there and making sure we had all of the comfort medications and supplies, etc.  A short time later a beautiful young woman arrived, complete with a warm smile, and an air of confidence. Ashley was our night CNA assigned to assist us with caring for our mother and yet doing so much more.  I found it difficult to sleep that night so Ashley and I stayed up and talked.  Although I am old enough to be her mother, it felt like we had been friends forever.  She told me about her diagnosis of Leukemia when she was a young teen and her successful remission.  We talked about her dancing and her career with a ballet company that was cut short by another cancer diagnosis and her current treatments.  She had just started chemo the month before and had shaved off over 18 inches of her hair.  I talked about my work as a therapist and my how I was struggling with my doctoral program. We talked about my new grandson and how I wished that he would have had the chance to know my mom.  We talked about her plans to enter nursing school and to become a Hospice nurse as soon as possible.  While we talked she cared for my mother - gently, professionally, compassionately.  

Over the course of the next 9 days, I looked forward to Ashley's shifts and our talks.  The night mom died, it was Ashley that came upstairs to wake me - giving me a chance to tell mom goodbye before she drew her last breath.  It was Ashley that took a beautiful picture of our entwined hands - my sister's, my mom's, and mine - before the funeral home took her away.  A chance meeting with an angel who turned out to be a lifelong friend.  

Six years later a lot has happened.  We have never seen each other in person again but we stay in touch.  She is a nurse.  She got married and is an amazing step-mother. She beat cancer for the second time.  She has hair again but this is the way I remember her

and the way I remember the way she provided care to me as much as she did my mom.